I've been wondering a lot lately about choices in my life that led me to this point. I don't know how many years I have left ... 1? 20? 50? How many decisions will be made and how will they affect my future happiness?
When I was 18, I was offered a spot at Parsons School of Art in Paris. The tuition was well beyond what my family could afford, and I was reluctant to take out a student loan. But to be honest, I was scared to death of moving to Europe ... away from my family and comforting surroundings.
How different would my life be today had I taken that jump? Would fate have led me here anyway? Or would I have stepped onto a path of grand adventure? Does one's happiness rely on the choices we make? Or is it ingrained into our soul? Probably the latter. I would most likely have been miserable and withdrawn by the time I was 40 no matter where or how I lived.
Perhaps its not the choices we regret ... but the despairing outcomes.
I applied to go to graduate school in Ireland before I met my husband, got married, had a baby, and all that "normal" stuff. I remember one time I was driving to my parents' house (I was pregnant at the time) and just sobbing. I kept thinking, "How did I end up here? I wasn't SUPPOSED to be here!" I thought I was supposed to be in Europe, having all sorts of adventures, etc. But life didn't turn out that way.
ReplyDeleteAnd really, I'm ok with that. I still have time for adventures, if I want to take them, and I think I am supposed to be right where I'm at. For one, if I had taken that route (even though the school ultimately turned me down), I wouldn't have my daughter. And she is worth it all.
Yeah. I know I shouldn't think this way, but there are times that I can't help myself.
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